OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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