hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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