when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Randomize
