I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
