cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
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