my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Randomize
