Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I checked into jail on foursquare
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I touched a dick in church today
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
