hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
