Well douche your snatch and let's go!
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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