just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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