Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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