i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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