Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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