my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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