remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
