I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
