Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
