I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
They have beer where we have blood.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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