I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
