Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
