I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
