Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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