also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
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