Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
