I'm so fucking centered right now
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
