She went from zero to smokin in five shots
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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