I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
