You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
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