Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
