someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
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