just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
