since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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