So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Randomize
