Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
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