onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
