You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I love having hate sex.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
