Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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