Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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