im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I just forgot I was standing up.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
