A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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