Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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