My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I got inside last night via doggy door
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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