all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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