My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Randomize
