Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
