So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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