Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
