How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Randomize
