Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
