"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
