i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
