Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
They are going to name an STD after you.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
