i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
