I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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